Sweet Potato and Bacon Risotto or (in)Frequently Asked Questions About The World

Last week I gave you what I considered to be an appropriate definition of culture. Today I am going to raise the tone a bit and ask several important questions regarding society as a whole.

Firstly, when was the last time you arrived anywhere in a giant egg?

If you hadn’t heard, the Grammy awards were on last week in America, and one of the nominees arrived in, that’s right, a GIANT EGG. I don’t think I need to tell you who it was*. If you turn up to an event in a dress made of meat, surely that isn’t going to be the end of things, and neither, I suspect, will her latest food-based stunt. Before long, I’m sure she will roll up to her hotel crouched over on a silver platter with an apple in her mouth**.

My second question is this: who you gonna call?

Consider the situation. There is something strange. This something is in your neighbourhood. If it’s not a ghost, which is something I will not get into right now, then the Ghostbusters aren’t going to be much help. You’re much better off calling the police, or better yet You’ve Been Framed. There’s £250 in that for you!

And finally, a question that we have all asked ourselves many a time:

Where did I put that thing I just had?

Everybody, to my knowledge, does this. You were holding something and about to do something with that something. But something else happened and then your something was somewhere else and you didn’t know where your something was! I can see this is going to get confusing, so let’s replace the word something with the word puppy because it is much quicker and easier to type, and everybody loves puppies*** ****.

Everybody always says “Oh, it’ll be in the last place you look”. But surely, if your puppy were in the last place you would look, then you should check that place first. But a ticket to Equatorial Guinea***** is not cheap, so this is often not feasible. And as Equatorial Guinea is the last place anybody would look for their puppy, then all the missing puppies in the world must be in Equatorial Guinea. So the only conclusion we can draw from this, and my top tip for this week, is as follows:

Equatorial Guinea is the perfect holiday spot for dog lovers.

* But for those of you who really don’t know, it was Lady Gaga.

** You heard it here first!

*** Unless you are the worlds biggest cat person, in which case you must be huge.

**** If you are allergic to bad science then leave now.

***** Formally the Republic of Equatorial Guinea******

****** Surely the last place anybody would look.