Garfunkel's Chicken Parmigiana or 5 Ways to Entertain Yourself in a Crisis

Today I become free of the revision-shackles of the past three weeks. It feels like it has been years. But it’s all behind me now (or will be within a few hours). To celebrate, I have decided to list for you the 5 best ways to keep yourself amused while bored.

I have extensive experience on this subject, because I am very often bored. It is a consequence of not doing much, or doing revision. And often you will have to take it upon yourself to find something to do.

1. Start a Blog

I can vouch for this one. In fact, just a few weeks ago I was bored and decided to start a blog. You may have noticed. If you have had a genius idea that everybody must know about immediately, this is the way to go. Otherwise, you probably just felt like sitting in front of your computer and actually doing something with the internet that isn’t keeping up to date with the social climate (Facebook) or perusing the fine art that is cats with captions (I Can Haz Cheezburger).*

2. Play a Game

Well that was obvious. When you’re bored, do something fun! Games are a fine example of fun. For example, who hasn’t at one point in their life thought “I would so much rather be playing Jenga right now” or “Ooh, that would make a good Scrabble word!” – nobody, that’s who.

3. Go and Annoy Somebody

This is a delicate one. You would be wise to choose somebody who is not easily motivated by revenge, because your legs are precious and you would be better off keeping them. Also has limited scope as whoever you annoy will eventually decide to ignore you or annoy you back (see comment re: your legs).

4. The Internet

Little more needs to be said. You know what to do.

5. Plan an Assault

Nothing can keep one so amused as tactical warfare.** Pick a building, preferably one you know the layout of or have detailed blueprints of lying around. Clear a large table, and a long stretch of time, and make sure you are meticulous in your details. For example, how many exits are there, and who is going to be guarding each one? If one of your friends has a short attention span, this is not the job for him, so maybe put him in the offensive unit.***

Once your assault is planned, take a good long look at the result. Was there something productive you could have been doing while you did that? Did it take you a really long time? Was there any point in it really? If the answers to these questions are yes, yes and no, then you have successfully entertained yourself. Well done.

Admittedly my definition of crisis in the title is a bit loose and in the end amounts to "when you are bored". But nobody likes to be bored, especially when you now have 5 things you can do about it.

* I mention these because that is how I spend the majority of my time, not as a satirical jibe at the ignorance of society today.

** Except maybe the fine art that is cats with captions.

*** Or better yet, on the defending team (your choice of rebels/insurgents etc.)

Chicken-fried Rice or Robot Baby Admin

I would like to take the opportunity, now that I’ve gotten into the swing of things, to discuss some administrative details. Updates to this blog will come on Fridays, and each update will bear the title corresponding to what I am having for dinner that day, which ties in nicely with the name of my blog. Additional updates may come during the week, but the regular update will still appear on Friday. If, perchance, I do not know what I am having for dinner yet, I will leave the date as the title and change it later, as you may see this coming Friday.

Thank you for your patience through this utterly dull post. As a reward, here is a picture of a robot baby:

Hey, I never claimed to be an artist.


EDIT: I have also decided to give each post a real title, which will come after the date/dinner. If this has re-bored you then please refer back to the robot baby.

Gammon Joint and Homemade Potato Wedges or Star Wars Ninjas

First of all I must make an apology. In my last post, my intention was to highlight an interesting correlation, whereas I may have been ever so slightly sidetracked in the statement of a few harmless facts about how rubbish pirates and unicorns are. For this, I sincerely apologise. But I would like to clarify that it’s not my fault that ninjas and zombies are better.

Right, the apologies are out of the way. On with the blogging!

I, like so many other people in this world, have exams. If you are reading this post, you probably have exams too, and are procrastinating. Shame on you. If you are one of the several people reading this geared towards procrastination, just remember this: why procrastinate now when you can put it off until tomorrow? Mind you, this is coming from somebody who is clearly not revising right at this very moment, but who are you to judge? Hypocrite.

My point is, everybody needs something to take their mind off things, and one of my favourite things to do during exams is watch the Star Wars films with my girlfriend. We did so just last night (we watched Episode II: Attack of the Clones). Though it is not while watching this episode, but rather its prequel that I come across all defensive. I have a confession to make, and many of you may disagree with this, but I just have to get this off my chest.

I love Jar Jar Binks.

There it is. I’ve said it. Not in a weird inter-species way of course. But for me, he is one of the best things about that film. Sure, it has Liam Neeson in (“There’s always a bigger fish”) and the best fight scene ever choreographed, but the despairing cry of “How wooood!” brings a smile to my face every time. Feel free to disagree with me, but I can’t hide it any more.

Another thing I would like to say, relating to my previous post, is that the Jedi are awesome. Nothing is cooler than a Jedi. But all you pirate lovers think long and hard, because the Jedi are clearly the ninjas of the Star Wars universe. They are deadly with a blade (or light sabre) and masters of many fighting disciplines, and if you ever see a Jedi, you probably did something wrong and are about to have a nice smoking cauterised stump where your arm used to be (they love to cut off arms, those Jedi).

In this analogy, the pirates of the Star Wars universe are most likely the bounty hunters. You may cry “But what about Han Solo? He’s the most kick-ass pirate in all of the outer-rim territories!” And I will admit, he has his pirate moments, but who does he team up with? A Jedi. Living proof that while they may have their differences, ninjas and pirates can live together in harmony and achieve great things.

Even if pirates are crap.

P.S. I will try and stop talking about ninjas and pirates soon, I promise!

Wagamama's Ginger Chicken Udon or A Notable Correlation

So I suppose this is the part where I actually say stuff. I’ve done the introduction now, so let’s get down to business. The first thing I have to discuss with you is an interesting correlation I have noticed, which must be prefaced with two questions.

Firstly, do you prefer ninjas or pirates?

And secondly, do you prefer zombies or unicorns?

The first of these questions everybody has answered at some point. Maybe they were watching Pirates of the Caribbean and wondered what they were doing with their lives, working 9-5 when they could be out swashing and/or buckling. Perhaps they saw a ninja and… wait that’s not right, nobody has seen a ninja and lived to tell the tale.

I suppose you can tell which side I am on in this debate. I am firmly pro-ninja. They are masters of every combat discipline and faster than light. What’s more, they have purpose. My sister, however, is pro-pirate. She believes that it is acceptable to just bum around on a boat drinking rum and getting into piratey fights with anybody who looks at you funny.

However, a slightly lesser known contest to the world is that of zombie vs. unicorn. This is a question you have likely never answered in your life. But it is equally important. While the ninja-pirate debate is (for me) a question of purpose, the zombie-unicorn debate is of a more fantastical nature.

Consider the unicorn. A glorified cross breed between a horse and a narwhal, it has been romanticised by fantasy fictionists as a creature of immense beauty. But let’s be honest, it’s just a horse with an ice cream cone stuck to its face. And as a result of this it must have hideous brain freeze, thus making it a very stupid thing indeed.

Now, while zombies are generally considered as the enemy, please take a second to think. A zombie was once a person, just like you probably are right now. That person has died, and been horribly and painfully reanimated by your favourite choice of magic/virus plot device, and now has only one hope of continued existence: your brains. And is that really so much to ask? We only use 10% of them anyway.

But I digress. For this entry is not about why ninjas and zombies are better than pirates and unicorns. It is about a correlation I have noticed in recent years between the two questions: namely that those of us who are Team Ninja are far more likely to be Team Zombie.

I have done extensive research on the subject. I asked 6 people. 6 whole people! And I have yet to find anybody on Team Ninja who is on Team Unicorn. I’m not suggesting the converse: that those playing for Team Pirate also dabble in unicorn fancying. I have met many a counter-example for that point. But I have yet to be proven wrong in my hypothesis.

So I repeat my two questions of earlier. Ninjas or pirates? And zombies or unicorns?

For further reading on all four subjects I refer you to the following sources:

Ninjas: The Tales of the Otori series by Lian Hearn http://www.lianhearn.com/tales_of_the_otori.html

Pirates: A rousing debate on “why are pirates are better?” Need I say more? http://nerdfighters.ning.com/forum/topics/why-are-pirates-are-better?xg_source=activity

Zombies: An article by Simon Pegg (Team Zombie, who knew?) on the need for a return to classic zombie qualities in films http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/nov/04/television-simon-pegg-dead-set and Feed by Mira Grant http://www.thefeedbook.com/

Unicorns: What else but this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

Various Thai Foods or Ooh Look! A Blog!

Well. This is new. I'm writing a blog. Let's see, there's some funny buttons here (better not push any) and some text. Ooh, now there's more text! This must be what being a journalist feels like! I'm so very good at this, I'm still writing!

What's that? I've done it before? Oh yeah, 6 years ago. I had a blog on which I posted football results and video game suggestions, but I was like 15 then! I can't be expected to write masterpieces at 15.

What's that? I'm not expected to write masterpieces now? Well that's overwhelmingly supportive of you. Perhaps you should go and sit in the corner and have a think about what you just said. Yeah.

Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, we can continue with content. The long and short of it is, I am writing a blog, which I think I may have mentioned. I got bored one evening and decided to share this with the Internet. It told me to shut up and go bother somebody else. But I was determined, and this is the end product:

The Unabridged Chronicles of What I Had For Dinner
(And Other Fascinating Anecdotes)

In the posts hereafter I will be discussing with you such things as: what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse; who would win in a fight, ninjas or pirates; other common internet debates; interesting things that I saw today; most likely a few uninteresting things that I saw today; and other impressively witty observations on society in general.

Please feel free to contact your local MP, policeman, teacher, or other authority figure to complain.